I am a singer. I knew this when I was 3 years old. And when I was 33 1/2, I remembered.
There have been many factors that contributed to my late-bloomage, and one of those is the debilitating grip of perfectionism.
My mother tells me how I would erase holes in my paper in kindergarten when I got an answer wrong. A memory I have of that time is of a coloring page, a picture of a Native American with grapes, and proudly coloring those grapes in a circular motion, INSIDE THE LINES.
Get it right, Do it perfectly, You must be the best.
These were my subconscious mantras of perfectionism. Instead of appreciating my multitude of gifts and talents, I only wanted to be THE BEST at something.
And now, as I prepare to record a 5-song EP in the studio, there is still that voice whispering...
"You're not where you want to be. Your voice is not that great. You can be better. You're not ready. You don't want the world to hear your voice as it is now. You still have a long way to go. If they hear you now, they won't want to hear more."
The overpowering tendency to compare myself to others still lingers. The great judge and jury in my mind that tells me I'm not good enough still hands down judgement.
Even though I'm not where I want to be,
I am still FINDING my voice,
I don't LOVE everything that I hear (sometimes I even cringe),
I want to be better,
I wish that my voice sounded different RIGHT NOW...
Despite all these thoughts and misgivings, I share this video with you.... One of my favorite songs to perform. I know most of us can relate to the sentiment that Radiohead captured so perfectly in their lyrics and chords.
This is my journey.
*Special thanks to Ann Sheppard of Southeast Texas Music Movement for capturing this and other videos of local musicians and her commitment to the Southeast Texas music scene.